Dating: From Acquaintance to Intimacy

Our desire for intimacy is one of the most basic of human desires but is often the most difficult to attain. Most of us are looking for someone with whom we can be intimate emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically. But no matter how much we long for it we cannot force the development or the pace of intimacy, especially emotional intimacy which needs to pass through progressive steps if it is to be lasting. The steps described in this article may seem incredibly basic or simple and yet their importance is often overlooked. So how do we get from meeting someone for the first time to developing such a close relationship? What is the timing for all of this? How do we increase our chances of success? A journey towards true intimacy of course requires the cooperation of both people. Patience at times is needed to ensure that both sides are completely satisfied with the progress of each phase before moving onto the next. Some steps are prerequisites for the next but some may be done simultaneously although there is no set timing for how long any stage lasts.

The Meeting No matter how strong any initial attraction our beginning point starts with pretty basic small talk. This is not only a basic information gathering phase but it also serves a purpose in getting comfortable talking to the other person. There are basic things we tend to talk about-sports, hobbies, family, media, holidays, work. This phase does not necessarily have to happen face to face but can be on-line, on the telephone or even via letters and emails.

Getting to know you Once it is clear that this is a person we feel comfortable talking to, comfortable in being with, then the desire deepens to get to know this person and to spend time together in fun activities. In this phase an ability to feel relaxed and at ease with someone, to laugh encourages us to increase the depth of communication and go beyond the trivia. How much information we ask for and how much we share is a delicate dance we engage in and will vary from couple to couple but we should be watchful for signs that we are going too fast or too slow. Like changing the gears in a car there is an optimal speed for expanding on the topics and depth of communication for each couple. It is a balancing act to keep the relationship enjoyable and yet moving towards being serious at the same time.

Deepening trust You begin to develop the first stage of emotional intimacy as you develop trust in each other. With each time that something increasingly personal is shared and the other person does not abuse that trust the relationship is strengthened and more is shared. This stage requires a level of increasing vulnerability on both sides. A true level of emotional intimacy cannot be achieved without either trust or vulnerability.

Small physical intimacies With the growing trust we allow the other person to increasingly enter into our personal, physical space. Small physical touches such as holding hands, the touch of the hand in the small of the back, hugging or even eye contact can all express a growing physical intimacy. This is the one phase which should not be rushed. This stage often occurs simultaneously with the stage of deepening trust but if allowed to grow unchecked the physical intimacy can overpower or overshadow any progress in emotional intimacy. Some couples confuse the two and regard sexual attraction as being equivalent to emotional closeness. Sexual desires are by their very nature intense and are designed that way to encourage us to make commitments to each other. But the sexual desires are not the most important elements in maintaining long term intimacy on all levels. They are the icing on the cake and not the cake itself. When we put the icing on the cake before the cake has been cooked (and cooled down) the end result is spoiled.

Ready for Commitment There is no specific timing when we feel ready for a commitment but there are some guiding principles and certainly some signs that we are ready for this. Many individuals are more in love with the idea of getting married than they are with the understanding of what that marriage means. Waiting until the initial ‘fireworks’ are over In those relationships which have started with the feelings of “fireworks” or “butterflies” in the stomach these are actually not the signs of true or lasting love. This chemistry is a sign of the initial ‘infatuation’ and has very little to do with being intimate. Usually after about six months of getting to know someone on a deepened level these initial excited feelings change and either settle into a more profound intense love or will fade altogether and we realise that it was a mere infatuation. For this reason it is wise to wait for this change in the relationship (often around at least six months) before entering into any major commitments to determine that what you are feeling is very real and long lasting. The person has become your best friend Long term, intimate relationships are built on friendship first and foremost. It is a good sign when the first person you think of to share both the good and the bad parts of your day is always your love interest. Is it getting harder to say goodnight (and not because of the sexual drive here) because it feels totally natural to want to be in this person’s company at the close of each day? You have seen them at their best and their worst In the flush of new love, we try to be at our very best and want to project our best side. However, before we are ready to make a commitment we need to be ourselves and have let the other person see our faults as well as our qualities. We need to see how the other person reacts when they are angry, when they are frustrated. If we are envisaging a temple marriage then we absolutely need to see how they react in their spiritual environment. One of the best places to see a person at both their best and worse is among members of their own family where they are hopefully at their most relaxed. I am willing to accept the person with all of their faults and weaknesses The minute we start to say, “Once we get married then I can change that aspect about them” then we can safely say that we are not ready to marry. We need to have reached a stage where we have accepted the other person with all of their little foibles and faults. I can see myself with this person when I am very old It is a good thing to envisage being together when you are very old-when our bodies have very much changed, when we have become forgetful, whenwe are not able to move about as much as previously. When we are very old it is the communication that has been established which becomes the glue to hold the couple together. Can I envisage being with this person at that stage and is our communication now of such a quality that I have established the foundation stones? There is NO-ONE else that I am interested in or intend to show an interest in again-EVER! Marriage is at the very least a lifetime commitment, for those who want an eternal relationship it is commitment forever that no-one else will enter the relationship between you. If you can safely say that your loyalty is now 100% with this person and you have made a conscious decision to look at no other then you are likely to be ready for the next step:

Engagement When we think of engagement, we often think of engagement party, engagement ring and planning a wedding. But in actual fact the engagement time is a vital step in the journey towards intimacy for other reasons. Once we have made a commitment, we need to prepare and plan for the marriage, not just the wedding. Many questions need to be answered and in some instances they are so profound that if the differences are too great they may and should result in the ending of the engagement. Here are some of the topics vital for discussion (and resolution): • Where are we going to live? • If a move is involved for one or the other how will that affect jobs/careers • How are we going to manage the finances? E.g. are we going to open a joint account or do we keep our separate accounts? • Do we want children and how many do we want? • What style of parenting does each of us believe in? •Where does church and church service fit into our marriage? • Where do our respective families fit into our relationship? E.g. when we make decisions for our future, are our respective families involved? Visits? Phone calls? Parenting advice? Major holidays? •How will the division of labour in the house work? E.g. who is going to clean the toilet? Do the dishes? Etc • How do we want to spend our days off? • What are acceptable ways of managing our conflicts with each other? (much of this question should have been answered in the deciding stage but still needs to be reviewed.) Questions become even more essential in second marriages which involve blended families. • What will be our relationship with our respective children from our previous relationships? Does our intended spouse accept our children? • If there are still young children in the home who will do the disciplining? • How will we be dealing with any ex’s in our relationship • How will we be dealing with any property we have amassed from our previous lives? The length of the engagement is a very varied thing and will not only vary from couple to couple but will vary from culture to culture. It should be long enough to resolve all of the above issues but not so long that as to allow the sexual desires to dominate the relationship. Becoming engaged increases sexual tension and is a particularly important time to establish clear ground rules for keeping safe before marriage.

Marriage The ultimate vehicle for intimacy is within the covenant of marriage but intimacy in all its forms does not necessarily all happen on the wedding night. Becoming intimate with a husband or wife is a life-long process. Certainly it is where all of the planning and all of the preparation is able to come together. Be patient in this phase and remember that MORE courting is needed after marriage to develop and maintain intimacy than before marriage. But then that is a whole new topic.........