Overcoming Grief after the Death of a Spouse or after Divorce

Overcoming Grief after the Death of a Spouse or after Divorce

At some point in our lives, all of us with no exceptions will experience grief.

Whether we have lost a husband or wife through death or divorce, grieving is an inevitable process.  We might compare the grieving process to crossing a threshold into a new room, turning back and closing the door and then moving on into the new space. There is nothing that is more serious or more painful than the loss of a spouse, either by death or divorce. Grieving is not about forgetting a loved one; it is about acknowledging that this loved one is no longer part of your day to day life.

With this journey comes a range of negative, difficult emotions which can seem overwhelming at times and at other times even puzzling.  Often, in an attempt to avoid the pain of the journey we may find ourselves trapped in a particular emotion, our mind and soul unwilling to move forward.  Without an understanding of the need for the process, going through the pain may seem pointless and even masochistic. However, our desire to avoid the negative emotions prolongs our recuperation from grief.

So what negative emotions should we expect? Note that although these emotions often occur in the following order they may occur for varying periods of time depending on the individual and there is often doubling back, returning to a previous emotion. There are differences also between the grieving process for the death of a loved one and the loss of a spouse via divorce.

 1.    Shock and Denial

The body and mind react immediately to protect us from the full blast of the loss at the beginning by inducing a feeling of denial, of numbness. This may be a message in our heads for example, saying, “I can’t believe that this is happening!” This is a healthy way for the body to begin to adjust to the changes which are coming ahead. The stress of a situation only becomes unmanageable when the body and mind are not able to adjust to the changes happening.

Our various cultural traditions in fact aid us through this stage. In the case of the death of a loved one, the funeral, the many visitors, the cards and letters all simultaneously provide opportunities to avoid facing the reality of the situation while gently confronting us continually with the loss.  We feel the need to take care of others, acting the host or answering mail and for a brief time this enables us to remain in a state of temporary denial. While we are taking care of others there is the ability to avoid accepting the reality and to avoid the pain, temporarily.

For divorce this stage can be a little more complex though nonetheless present. Divorce often carries with it a heightened sense of shame and there are no cultural rituals. There are usually no flowers, no cards and no steady stream of visitors to distract the mind from the situation and aid the denial process. Friends and family outside of the marriage often find it difficult to know what to say and many may even avoid contact with either spouse to avoid the awkwardness. This makes the denial stage more difficult to manage but does not stop the body and mind from numbing the initial pain. 

 2.    Anger/Guilt

The stage of anger, frustration, guilt or shame can be the most difficult one to accept or understand, particularly in the case of the death of a loved one. We may think that anger is inappropriate in grieving a loss but it is still an essential stage.

When external people witness the anger there can be a lack of understanding. This may stem from embarrassment at seeing someone “lose it” in front of us and our lack of knowledge of how to react. We speak with admiration about those who have been “strong” during the funeral or even afterward and yet the truth is it is a healthier sign when the grieving person freely expresses their grief at their situation, albeit in a safe way.

Those grieving after the death of a spouse may even express anger towards their loved one, something like, “How dare that you left me here on my own!!” Feelings of this nature are perfectly normal and should be accepted as part of moving through grief.

This phase of feeling anger, frustration or guilt is often more obvious in cases of divorce because there is the sense that perhaps this was preventable, either in the choice of spouse or in the marriage itself. This is also a very common stage for those grieving to become stuck if not careful as they are not able to resolve the issues that brought about the divorce in their heads.

When there are children involved the feelings of anger can also be lengthy because of being continually confronted with either the loss of contact with children or having to raise children on your own.

Expressing anger and acting on anger are two different things. While it is normal and to be encouraged for a grieving person to express their feelings of frustration or resentment at their situation and guilt at not being able to prevent the loss, it is not acceptable for the anger to be acted out so as to hurt others. Finding a way to express anger safely is an important aspect of moving through the anger phase. 

3.    Depression and Detachment

When grief is pictured as a line graph, it is usually depression which is at the bottom of the trough, the low point in the whole grieving process. Depression comes with the ultimate realisation that the death or loss is very real, that it is permanent. This may bring with it feelings of total loss of control. At the depths of the depression stage many individuals feel an inability to be with people in social situations and often discussing the loss can be extremely painful and is avoided. This stage is often one of isolation from other loved ones and the world as a whole. Taking care of day to day matters such as the banking or the shopping can be difficult and sleeping and eating patterns are often affected. There is an overall feeling of tiredness and a lack of energy.

4.    Dialogue and Bargaining

Just before true acceptance begins to kick in then there is usually a stage of analysis which comes out of the depression. What now? What am I going to do? What will my world look like? This can be still be accompanied by negative feelings of either anger or depression. The transition between the stages is never neat and exact and there is often overlapping and looping of emotions that go on. But overall the dialogue and bargaining stage is one of moving out of the deep trough, of trying to make sense of the situation. This is often the stage where the person grieving will look for others to share their feelings and to listen as they analyse. It becomes less painful to discuss the actual events around the loss.

5.    Acceptance

The final stage on the journey is one of actual acceptance in which the vision of the grieving person has largely shifted from looking continually in the past to have a vision for the future, to studying different options which are future based. In our analogy, the person has closed the door now and has entered into the new room.

6.    Returning to meaningful life

When right in the process of grieving there is a tendency to believe that life can never be the same again, that it would be impossible to have a normal life. It is also a false belief that in order to be truly over the grief that you have to have forgotten the spouse who is no longer there. Nothing could be further from the truth. True acceptance includes being able to cope with memories of our deceased or divorced spouse while placing them in perspective, in the past. In the case of death after a temple marriage there is also the ability to put a future perspective in place: “I just have to be patient while getting on with my life.”

Yes, the grieving process is painful and difficult but once you realize that the more you allow the stages of grieving to take their course the more likely that you will be able to move forward.

Decision Making during the Grieving process

A death or divorce from a spouse brings about an incredible amount of stress on the body which needs time, usually at least a year, to adjust to the new circumstances. During this time of adjustment or grieving it is not recommended that serious decisions or major changes are made in location or lifestyle. The greater the number of changes introduced into a life the more the body and mind strain to adjust. During this difficult time it is advisable to keep as much of your life stable and familiar until such time as you at least reach the acceptance stage and can begin to plan a future ahead.

 Marianne McGee