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The Language of Love So we are looking for that special someone to come into our lives! But woe is us! There are so many factors to take into account: Where are we going to meet him/her? What are we looking for in a relationship? What kind of qualities are we looking for in our potential eternal companion? In the midst of trying to work out such practical considerations as their level of spirituality, whether someone has interests in common with us, has a good sense of humour or will fit into our wider family, often the most important consideration we make is whether we are ‘in love’ or not. In Western culture we use the term ‘falling in love’ in songs, in stories and in describing how we got together. We search for that ‘chemistry’ or that special ‘spark’ that fires off the relationship and sets this man or woman apart from the rest. The term ‘falling in love’ seems to imply something beyond our control, brought about by outside forces. At risk of sounding like a wet blanket on a raging fire, we are more likely to find and remain ‘in love’ if we understand the mechanics of how we feel loved and this ‘falling in love’ process. Love is an action, not just a feeling. We, in turn, will be in a better position to love others. There are many studies on this subject and we will explore a few of them over time in this section of GAGASaints. This is an open forum where we hope that you will express any opinions that you have about each subject or to add your own theories. Today let’s look at the theory of Gary Chapman on the 5 Love Languages. In many of our failed relationships one of the most common phrases we hear from those involved is, “I just didn’t feel loved.” However, Gary Chapman promotes the idea that this failure comes about because we do not understand the love language of the other person. If we understand what we need to feel loved then we can communicate this to those around us and in turn we can learn how to make our special someone feel most loved. Gary Chapman says that we all identify primarily with one of the following five love languages : 1. “Words of affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. 2. Quality time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. 3. Receiving gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. 4. Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. 5. Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.” Gary Chapman does not suggest that we use only the one language but explains that if we are not being spoken to in our principle love language then we will not feel loved. Difficulties arise when we believe that the other person wants to have love expressed in the same way as we like it expressed. For example, our love language may be Acts of Service. When our sweetheart tells us that they don’t feel loved, in our minds we go over all the things we believe that we have done, “But I help him/her with their shopping and I help him/her with the housework. What is their problem?” If our boyfriend/girlfriend’s love language is Words of Love and we find it hard to give someone compliments or tell them that we love them then they are not going to feel loved. So what does this mean in practice? Start by understanding yourself-what are your expectations in a love relationship? What is your principal language of love? Then, when you meet someone you will be able to communicate your needs. Secondly, ask lots of questions to find out the love language of your sweetheart so that you know which buttons to push that make them feel most loved. Here is a link to a very quick and free love language quiz based on Gary Chapman’s theory so you can get a head start: http://edified.org/myspace/lovelanguage Marianne McGee

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suzanne, e, english Comment by suzanne, e, english on October 23, 2011 at 5:27pm
i have studied this as a psychology student , its very interesting how men and women differ but compliment eachother , im so glad heavenly father cares enough to put us together. to help us all get to exaltation :) im just looking for a worthy man to take the journey with me. but along the way would like to make many friends , i live in essex england, so come say hello and make a new friend
Karen Elizabeth Ellis Comment by Karen Elizabeth Ellis on May 16, 2011 at 6:15am

I live here in Somerset and would love to meet up with a fellow LDS Males for friendship I am Karen and 51 young looking.  Love music travel esp to America (esp seeing Osmonds)  Branson bound September.  I am loyal, caring and hard working.  I,m in the Caring Profession and have been all my life. Have been LDS since 2005 and it was the best thing that i ever did in my life....................  Karen

Corey Blackburn Comment by Corey Blackburn on May 3, 2011 at 1:28am

I agree 'falling in love" seems to be the supreme quality in romantic realtionships, how ever it does imply

that it is outside indivdual control. Showing love involves making a choice therefore the most important thing to me is that of making a commitment

I view it this way freindship, love and comittement, in that order

ASARE OSEI ERIC Comment by ASARE OSEI ERIC on March 7, 2011 at 11:51am
Marriage was instituted by God himself and that is the way we can be like him, and also attain celestial kingdom.
mary martha snyder Comment by mary martha snyder on March 1, 2011 at 7:04pm
funny
Curtis Laoe Comment by Curtis Laoe on December 18, 2010 at 10:37pm

Love is the aim of our generation and weather it be intimate love or general love it is the aim and focus that will purify our thoughts and enrich our purpose, hence we express our love to the people we love. But the love for the one that we seek to walk with us through the gates of eternity lies within and therefore is being nurtured with gratitude for that special someone. I feel a sense of unity for the people I communicate with tis this season, a feeling of gratitude for the birth of my savior Jesus Christ and a love for the my family. I'm truly blessed to live in an erra like this thanks be to God.

Marianne McGee Comment by Marianne McGee on December 3, 2010 at 4:36am
In fact the language of love is usually all 5 but usually there are one or 2 that are usually bottom line for us, that we absolutely need to have in order to feel loved in our relationship. Often in a divorce situation if we analyse it and we have left feeling unloved we need to ask ourselves what specifically was missing? This is about communication and learning that each of us have different needs. It is about not making the assumption that because I would like to have love expressed in a certain way that the other person in the relationship will necessarily want the same. And so it is about 2 sides-communicating what we like and need in a relationship and then secondly adjusting ourselves to communicate with the other person in the way most meaningful to them. This was not a discussion to provide answers to each tiny individual situation but is more of an overall way of viewing our relationships. Whatever our situation, the need for love is a base, fundamental need and expressing it is also base and fundamental. It is an interesting question about your family and friends-one that is good to ask them:)
Deborah Algra Comment by Deborah Algra on December 3, 2010 at 2:52am
What if your language of love is all those five? I think all of those languages would fit me, just not all at the same time :) I wish it would be so easy.... define which language of love is fitting, and then you just do that and all is well... I am doubting that... if all 5 are befitting me... then how is it with my family members or friends? I think which language of love should be used, depends on the whole picture: the person... and the situation the person is in.... because the given situation also defines the "position" of that person at that time...
Helen Wood Comment by Helen Wood on November 8, 2010 at 3:37pm
Guess I was one of the unlucky ones.. While I was concentrating on God, he was concentrating on somthing else! You just can't make another person love you. And saying they love you is meaningless if their actions are contrary to that.
Monique Smith Comment by Monique Smith on November 8, 2010 at 12:51pm
After being married for 19 years, I have learned a few things. You have to continue to work on yourself...(yes ladies...being physically attractive IS important for you, your spouse, and of course your physical and emotional self). You also need to continue to learn about your spouse, spend time with him, talk, talk, talk, and talk....VERY IMPORTANT! All in all....when you keep GOD first...everything else will work itself out! nuf said....;)
Marianne McGee Comment by Marianne McGee on September 25, 2010 at 4:17am
I think we need to know the difference between the "getting to know you" time and when we are in a fully fledged love relationship when these ways of expressing love apply. It is a matter of timing and one that I struggle with myself because it takes careful communication between 2 people and not just one. I kinda liken it to dancing a waltz or a tango-you may know and be able to make all the right moves but it has to be in sync with the other person if it is going to work (and look good LOL). In the dating phase I know there are a number of stages we need to pass through and sometimes we want to jump past the initial steps (me included as I am naturally very quick to be intimate emotionally with people). I think it is by design that the Lord would have us get to know people on a superficial level first-"what do you do for a living", "have you always been a member" etc. After that if we feel that initial attraction then there can be the danger phase for me-we want to leap into holding hands, talking about real personal stuff even before we have built a platform of trust and mutual respect. We need to hold back a little bit not to play some game or other to attract others but to allow us to get to know the other person in a whole variety of ways before we invest so much of ourselves emotionally. I truly believe that the Lord designed it this way so that we are building solid foundations in our relationships. The whole thing about timing is for me the hardest of all the things to learn at the beginning of a relationship! I am certainly not excited about the idea that I have to go through all this dancing around people all over again.
And yes, Rick, it takes 2 to tango!!
Christine Pearl Rogers Comment by Christine Pearl Rogers on September 24, 2010 at 7:35pm
I think that the art of communication lies at the crux of the language of love.Being Open and honest with each other is paramount, and being able to express easily what is important to you as an individual. Express what you want to help you to feel loved is really important. The trouble is when something like number 5. is misconstrued for example; being tactile may be taken as being 'clingy or needy' how does one convey the desire to be tactile, and to touch; without sending the other person you meet - to run in the opposite direction. This has recently happened to me, and now the person that I liked has not been in touch with me in any way for over 11 days, and I really liked him. We gelled together like wallpaper and paste, yet he was not very talkative, that was hard for me; as I like to talk. We are told to hold back, and not care, not get emotional, and then we get noticed. Is this true? Because I am obviously doing something wrong, yet it does not feel wrong to me. Now I think to put up my guard....if we supposedly knew which buttons to push on our partners then there would be less divorce both within the church and outside of it..
Isabelle de Reynier Comment by Isabelle de Reynier on September 24, 2010 at 2:48pm
how nice to say (in the introduction) that "love is an action, not just a feeling". I dare think that many divorces could be avoided if the couple focused more on how to live, express, give, receive love, instead of focusing on how to feel good.
Rick Dyer Comment by Rick Dyer on September 22, 2010 at 5:02pm
Although it is true that we speak different love languages I also can see the light in Deborah's comments. It takes two to tango and if only one of you is working at maintaining and magnifying the relationship then it is doomed to failure. It takes each of you working against all odds, embracing the gospel and each other in an effort to thwart the efforts of the adversary and the forces that seem to lay siege to the castle of our love.
Marianne McGee Comment by Marianne McGee on September 22, 2010 at 3:36pm
While we may all use and need all 5 love languages there is usually one of the 5 languages which is more important to us than the others. Our problem happens when we automatically think that the other person wants love expressed in the same way as we do! It is a question of communicating with each other to find out what is important to who!
Helen Wood Comment by Helen Wood on September 22, 2010 at 2:14pm
I think me my ex were talking different languages!
Deborah Algra Comment by Deborah Algra on September 17, 2010 at 3:12pm
Well, I definitely used all 5 love languages in my marriage.... but it didn't help me preserve my marriage. I am more and more convinced that even though my ex really could have been my eternal mate, he wasn't willing to do what it takes. So sad.

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Giving the Gift of Self

Article by J.M.S. February 13, 2012

Instead of wondering, "What will I get this Valentine's Season?", let us ask, "What can I do for so in so?". One this is for sure. You will have a great day!


Ideas of Gifts:

For Parents:

Volunteer to take some pictures of them as a couple. Put them in front of a nice backdrop and make sure they get some poses kissing and cuddling. Print them for them and put them in a cute frame.


For Nieces/Nephews:

Make them a valentine with specific compliments on them. Make a little baggie with stickers and crayons or treats to go with it. Make it specific to them and relate the items in the bag to qualities they have that you admire.


For a Lover:

Give them things that they have specifically expressed an interest in, not things that you like or see value in that they may not feel the same way about.


Specify house projects you will help them with each season of the year or get them something for that season so they can 'feel the love all year round': gardening in spring (flower pot), shoveling in winter (ice melt/snow blower), raking in fall (rake), watering in summer

(sprinkling system or sprinkler or get them a fan to stay cool, or a nice water bottle or hat)


For a Friend:

Write a poem.

Tell them all the reasons you are grateful they are in your life.

Pray for an opportunity to show you care and express your love.

Give hugs.

Make a phone call.

Say sorry and ask forgiveness. Forgive.

Write a song.


For God:

Love one another; in THOUGHT, WORD and DEED

Love Him above all else and make sure that what you love fits in with His plan for you!


For Self:

Read: The Ecstasy of the Agony: How to be Single and Sane at the Same Time, by Anne G. Obsborn

Found at: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=038b1f26d596b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=

Sabbath Gems

Trust

Pure Love

Parable of the Pumpkin

Soul

Always

Fasting

Charity

Eternal Life

Courage

Gratitude

Priestcraft

Redemption

Mustard Seed

Holiness

Faith

Anti-Aging Chronicles

Living Young, Volume 1

Living Young, Volume 2

Living Young, Volume 3

Living Young, Volume 4

Living Young, Volume 5

Living Young, Volume 6

Living Young, Volume 7

Living Young, Volume 8

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